Vancouver (and some times Los Angeles) weirdo wears stuff, takes pictures, makes fashion blog.

Terminus

Before I get into it, I'm going to preface this post with a slight warning: It's not a happy one, but a real one.

It's been a whole year since I started this blog, and I have some questions/thoughts/conclusions/reflections. How was your 2017? Did you set goals? Did you achieve them? What projects were abandoned and why?

Throughout the whole adventure of putting together outfits, going on photoshoots, editing pictures, writing posts, I think I achieved most of the goals I had for this blog:
  • Create original content.
  • Explore personal style.
  • Chronicle cool places.
  • Practice writing.
I think I'm standing at a crossroads with this blog. Maybe I've been stressed, or maybe I feel like it's run its course. But as I sit here to reflect, I'm unsure of its future because I've been having a nagging little voice telling me that this is it, time to wrap it up, give it that coup de grรขce before it turns into something I resent.

Why?

Because one of my main goals couldn't be met, and that is I really wanted to be comfortable in my own skin, and be OK looking at photos of myself. To be completely honest, I hate looking at photos of me -- which is funny for a blog chock full of, well, photos of me. After a year of meticulously picking out pictures to post, I still can't look at a picture of me and not silently say to myself, "Yikes."

Instead of acclimating to my own face and gradually accepting myself, the overexposure pushed me to the other end, which is the dark corner of critical self loathing. I looked over some of my posts and thought, wow this was a cute outfit... now if only someone else was wearing it it would be 100% better.

I really can't say where this deep seated insecurity came from because I don't know, but I can't remember a time when I could look in the mirror and honestly say, "Yeah girl you look good!" I know everyone can be critical of themselves at one time or another, but this has been a lifelong battle that I'm a little bit too tired to fight right now.

I enjoy writing. I enjoy posting. I enjoy clothes, no wait, I love clothes and that has not changed. I just need a break from seeing my own face for a minute while I take care of things in life that need to be taken care of.

Maybe when I'm in a better place mentally I can make a return to fashion blogging, but I feel really exhausted at the moment. This summer I had a conversation with a friend about sticking with it. Sticking with something you enjoy and not just pick up and run when you hit an obstacle. Sticking with it through hard times, times that hurt, and see it through until things get better. I know it's a bad habit of mine to start something with a lot of gusto, but abandon ship the instant I feel a bit down. A part of me wants to continue, but the other part that wants to call it quits is loud and blaring.

Let's just say I'm very good at running.

So, this is a soft goodbye. I really really really appreciate everyone who helped take photos, had photos taken, read, gave me constructive criticism, left comments. I might be back after the dust settles but I make no promises.

I want to give myself a break until at least the new year, and see if anything changes. I wish everyone a great holiday season and happy 2018 in advance. Maybe you'll see me again.

In the mean time I'll probably still lurk around on Instagram. Drop by and say hi!

Photo cred: Collin Head @deklyn21 | EditingMe!
Outfit details: Dress, coat, shoes: Thrifted | Scarf: A lovely gift from someone super awesome  | Purse: Amazon | Leggings: Forever 21
2 comments on "Terminus"
  1. "Life has loveliness to sell,
    All beautiful and splendid things,
    Blue waves whitened on a cliff,
    Soaring fire that sways and sings,
    And children's faces looking up
    Holding wonder like a cup.

    Life has loveliness to sell,
    Music like a curve of gold,
    Scent of pine trees in the rain,
    Eyes that love you, arms that hold,
    And for your spirit's still delight,
    Holy thoughts that star the night.

    Spend all you have for loveliness,
    Buy it and never count the cost;
    For one white singing hour of peace
    Count many a year of strife well lost,
    And for a breath of ecstasy
    Give all you have been, or could be."

    --Sara Teasdale

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