Your Thirsty Face

in Life, January 2, 2019
A healthy dose of coffee milk for my face, the thirsty ho.

Welcome to 2019! To kick off the new year, I will be feeding my face skin something it’s been craving — no, not a gigantic punch right in the kisser, but moisture.

I have very mixed feelings about face masks. On one hand, I think that slapping on a soggy food scented sheet with creepily pre-cut eye and mouth holes in lieu of eating healthy on a normal basis will fix all of my problems is utter bullshit. On the other hand, I really really want it to fix all of my problems in 15-20 minutes so I do it regardless.

The face masking isn’t just a ruse to make me feel like I’m treating myself, it’s a well crafted placebo that kinda really makes me feel like I’m doing something right despite many layers of fuck-uppery in life. A nice cold slimy delicious smelling slap in the face is exactly the bandaid I need once every few weeks to remind me that I’ve been working hard. And my face, with all its dark circles, milia, bags heavier than a Costco sized sack of rice, traces of a mustache, is worth pampering after all.

Love yourself 2019.

15 minutes pass, the instructions say to let the mysterious mixture soak in. After I remove the paper sheet, I have to wonder… Do I look any more awake? Am I smoother? Younger? Have I been cured? Quenched? I feel no difference to be completely honest.

These clever masks with their ever evolving cute and catchy packaging are in the end, all the same. I feel tinges of a pins and needles sensation, but I suspect that it’s because it’s the dead of winter and I haven’t used any kind of moisturizer in months.

So, welcome to 2019! Maybe this will be the year when we rip off those bandaids and start treating ourselves well on the regular.

But let’s face it, whether or not these masks do anything or not, I quite enjoy the way my face smells afterwards. And that is worth the $2 every time.